I Swear I'm Not Having An Affair With Jessica Simpson

Despite what I'm about to tell you, I am not having an affair with Jessica Simpson. Or her husband, for that matter.

It all started with a phone call to California-based TLC4DOGS, a pet training camp owned by Susan Kraft. Susan's company met the criteria for a special program we offer "high profile" small businesses. Her business was hot, but her site was so 1994. Web Presence offered to redevelop the entire site, start to finish, and we struck a deal.

How does Susan relate to Jessica Simpson, and the affair we didn't have? Susan also happens to be Jessica's pet trainer. If you're an MTV fan, you probably saw Susan training Jessica's dog, Daisy, on a recent episode of "The Newlyweds."

A few weeks later, we came into contact with Sockit Studios of Baton Rouge, Louisiana. Devon Kirkpatrick, owner and head engineer, also took interest in our redesign program, and allowed us the opportunity to redevelop his complete site. The connection? Nick Lachey recently recorded several songs with Sockit, while visiting Jessica in Louisiana during filming of The Dukes of Hazzard.

I like them both as artists. I really do. But here's where things start to get wierd.

The Insta-Gator Ranch in Covington, Louisiana offers tours of their alligator hachery. When I learned they'd expressed interest in our redesign program, I was truly excited. Say what you want; how many alligator ranch web sites are there?

Oh, right. The wierd part. I suppose I could just ask Jessica Simpson, because she toured Insta-Gator recently.

And so, I'm here to clear the air, and dispel the rumors. No, Jessica Simpson and I are not having an affair. Jessica, if you're reading this, I appreciate your patience with the paparazzi who insist on harassing us over these rumors. We'll get through this, somehow.

Mergers, Mergers Everywhere

Over the last two months, Web Presence has merged with other design firms from across the county. By June 2005, we'll have facilitated over 50 mergers in the United States, bringing Web Presence services to small businesses throughout the nation. I've partnered with some of the most creative minds in web development, and I've had a fantastic time doing it.

Sounds great, doesn't it?

Conversely, over the last two months I've also encountered some of the most bizarre individuals from any industry I've ever been privy to. And I do mean bizarre.

And now, from the home office in Hobart, Indiana, here are the top 10 strangest responses I've received regarding our merger program (and yes, these are direct quotes):

10. In the sake of being polite and not truly saying what’s on my mind – Go away Jimmy Ray

9. For 30+ years, the phone for me has just been something to connect a computer to

8. If you'd like to give us sworn affidavits of 10 other sites...that have NO OTHER RELATIONSHIP with you of any sort, we'd consider this

7. I'm sure I'll be getting one or more of your clients eventually

6. Here's a short list of reasons I feel your coding is inferior

5. Can you tell what these ids are for on the page? I think you can

4. I enjoy the way I work and I do not need to partner with anyone

3. Do you have an accent or are you strictly American

2. Call me before 4pm EST. Oprah comes on at 4:00

1. I usually decline all the requests I get for web design because I'm getting really tired of working with people

Patience, as the old saying goes, is a virtue.